“Fine” is not a feeling

Most people will say they are “fine” when you ask them how they are doing. I get it. Is anyone really ready to hear about your existential dread, your cat being sick, or your worry about your relationship? “Fine” is shorthand. But getting better at naming what is really going on for you is a gamechanger, even if you just do it internally.

I recently covered the difference between emotions and feelings (HINT: emotions happen first in the body as sensations, feelings happen second as the brain makes sense of the sensation). But how in the hell does a person get better at knowing their emotions? And what about those of us that aren’t really sure of what is happening in our bodies? Are we stuck forever playing emotional charades with ourselves, guessing between ‘meh,’ ‘blah,’ and ‘ugh’?

In therapy-land, emotional granularity is the ability to define our emotional state with precision, noticing the specific details, differences and nuances of our emotions. The term emotional granularity was coined by Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett, a neuroscientist and psychologist, and the author of How Emotions Are Made. People who have high emotional granularity have a better shot at being able to emotionally regulate and experience lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. 

So…how do we get better at emotional granularity? Here’s two key ways:

Notice the sensations in our bodies. Since emotion first shows up as sensation in the body, we’ve got to learn to catch the often small shifts in our internal body feeling. Remember, emotions happen fast (think: the spark)  whereas moods can list for days (the slow burn). 

I sometimes have a hard time getting specific with body sensation. But if I have a list of sensation words to look at, it’s much easier for me to identify what is happening in my body. I particularly love this body sensation list from decolonized nonviolent communication teacher Meenadchi. I often find that I need to close my eyes to go inside my own body - turn down the external stimulation to notice what is happening inside my skin. Ask yourself: What’s going on in my body right now? Tightness? Buzzing? Numbness? Butterflies on roller skates?

Use the feelings wheel. Sometimes I’ve already moved thru the emotion and into the feeling. Having the right label for the feelings is enormously helpful. Gloria Wilcox created the Feeling Wheel in 1982 as a way to help clients have more accurate language for their feelings. At the center of the wheel are seven primary emotions: happy, angry, sad, disgusted, surprised, bad, and fearful. The second and third layer of the wheel are more nuanced expressions - for example, “interested” or “inquisitive.” Seeing those two words side by side helps me land them in my own experience. Interested feels more general to me, like when I'm listening to someone explain their weekend hiking adventure. Inquisitive feels more active, I've got questions and I'm participating and maybe even asking for trail recommendations. 

I often ask clients how they feel in therapy - and they will tell me an interpretation or story they’ve made up based on what happened. I’ll ask, “How did that make you feel?” and they will say “Like my boss thought I was trying to get out of doing the work she asked me for.” Or “Like my husband doesn’t value all the cleaning up I do around the house.” 

Now, those may be valid stories (or not), but they’re definitely not actual feelings. The second example hints at a feeling—undervalued—but it’s wrapped in narrative. The first one doesn’t even give us a crumb of emotion to work with. When clients can get out of their story and into their feeling, we often have an a-ha moment. The feeling helps them land in and acknowledge their own experience. And having a more precise vocabulary for feelings can help ensure that they have less power to hijack our whole day. After all, it's a lot easier to deal with "mildly irritated by that comment" than it is to wrestle with the vague, overwhelming beast of "feeling bad."

Getting better at emotional granularity means slowly, over time, learning to tune in to your own experience with curiosity. And if you’re wondering what you're feeling right now after reading all this? Maybe you’re interested, just taking it in. Or maybe you’re inquisitive—ready to print out a feelings wheel and ask your body, “Hey, what’s going on in there?” Either way, you’re on the right track. Keep going.